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george carlin quotes

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george carlin quotes

Comments for: george carlin quotes
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 18, 2005 06:50PM

I will post many carlin quotes here so check back from time to time. Here are the best George Carlin quotes spoken by one of America's hippest comedians.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?


When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?


If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?


When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?


I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?


Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?


What if there were no hypothetical questions?


Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.


Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?


Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.


Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.


I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.


May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?


If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?


I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.


Electricity is really just organized lightning.


Women like silent men, they think they're listening.


"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?


Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.


If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?


Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?


Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.


I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.


Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?


I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.


There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.


At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.


As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.


The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.


Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.


Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.


I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.


The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.


Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!


This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.


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These were thought to be, but are NOT George Carlin quotes.
But they are still amusing.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?


Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?


If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?


Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?


If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?


Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?


If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?


The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.


If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?


If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?


Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?


If God dropped acid, would he see people?


How is it possible to have a civil war?


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?


If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?


If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?


What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?


If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?


Would a fly without wings be called a walk?


Is there another word for synonym?


What was the best thing before sliced bread?


Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?


If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.


Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?


Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?


How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.


Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?



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'Paradox Of Our Time' by: Dr. Bob Moorehead

This has been circulating the internet and was thought to be, but also is NOT George Carlin:

The true author of the piece is Dr. Bob Moorehead, former pastor of Seattle's Overlake Christian Church. (He retired in 1998). The essay appeared under the title "The Paradox of Our Age" in Words Aptly Spoken, Dr. Moorehead's 1995 collection of prayers, homilies, and monologues used in his sermons and radio broadcasts:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all, mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 18, 2005 06:56PM

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 18, 2005 06:57PM

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 18, 2005 06:58PM

Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it, religion has actually convinced people that there's an INVISIBLE MAN...LIVING IN THE SKY...who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever 'til the end of time...but he loves you
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 18, 2005 06:59PM

want you to know, when it comes to believing in god- I really tried. I really really tried. I tried to believe that there is a god who created each one of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize...something is FUCKED-UP. Something is WRONG here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is NOT good work. If this is the best god can do, I am NOT impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful-ass a long time ago
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 18, 2005 07:01PM

Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. 'Do this' 'Gimme that' 'I want a new car' 'I want a better job'. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. And I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down schmuck with a two dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? 'Well it's god's will. God's will be done.' Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 18, 2005 07:09PM

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 18, 2005 07:10PM

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."

Anonymous Report This Comment
Date: November 18, 2005 09:10PM

Few of these are original; many are older than Carlin. Even fewer are funny.
....and, by the way, not all the Commandments are "Thou shalt not..."
shaDEz Report This Comment
Date: November 18, 2005 11:14PM

i just seen some of his routines on hbo very insightful motherfucker lol i really liked his proposed solution for the violent criminals, lunatics, and drug addicts
lThe_Central_Scrutinizer Report This Comment
Date: November 19, 2005 12:09AM

Except for a couple of jabs he took at Steely Dan during one of his decidely lesser inspired moments, I think Carlin's one of the great minds of this century.

Especially on the topic of religon.

He should be a presidential advisor, but he's probably too smart to take the job.
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 19, 2005 02:32AM

yeah no shit! but think what he could achieve
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 19, 2005 03:08AM

A priest who has performed over 300 exorcisms was today eaten by a green boogeyman.
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 19, 2005 03:11AM

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

More Carlin......
1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

3. How is it possible to have a civil war?

4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

6. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

12. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

13. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that same stuff?

14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

15. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, doesn't he become disoriented?

fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 19, 2005 03:19AM

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been
dis-ing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the
water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special
Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is
dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't
they be called builts?
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 19, 2005 03:26AM

Religion easily—has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
[edit]
Sports
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
[edit]
General
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
The best thing about living at the water's edge. You only have assholes on three sides of you and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
Tonight's weather, dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning.
The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!
Source: "Ten Things That Piss Me Off"
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
Source: "Ten Things That Piss Me Off"
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
A day off is always more welcome when it's unexpected.
Cancer research is a growth industry.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! "Would you look at this idiot? Take a look at this idiot right here, just creeping along... Woah, look at that maniac go!"
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.
I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.
I never watch Sesame Street. I already know most of that stuff.
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
"Meow" means "woof" in cat.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
"No comment" is a comment.
Nothing is so boring as listening to someone else describe a dream.
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask any addict.
Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.
The difference between the blues and the blahs is that you can't sing the blahs.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
There are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one seems to know how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza.
When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
Wanna help your kids? Leave them the flip alone!!!
Why do people say "I'm going to take a shit"?... They don't take a shit, they leave one.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing Changed.
The planet is fine. The people are fliped.
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 19, 2005 04:27PM


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Literature
More people write poetry than read it.

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Miscellaneous
People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.

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Religion
Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 19, 2005 04:28PM

"I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

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Success and Failure • Optimism and Pessimism
No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 19, 2005 04:30PM

Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

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Conflict • Funny
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

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Truth
The following statement is true. The preceding statement is false.

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Honesty
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

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Sports
Baseball is the only major sport that looks backwards in a mirror.

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Art and Music
People who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.

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Doctors and Health
Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

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Imagination
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.

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Art and Music • Religion
The only good thing to come out of religion was the music.

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Religion
If God is so powerful, can He make a rock that is so heavy that He Himself can’t lift it?
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 19, 2005 04:33PM

I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD Republican.


I like big cars, big cigars and naturally big racks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I don't care about appearing compassionate. I think playing with guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe its called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I think I'm better than the homeless. I am not the real Slim Shady, so I think that I’m gonna stay seated right here in this damn comfy chair. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I am not tolerant of others because they are different. I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez’s toilet gets, I’ll still want to see it.

I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you do it in English. I like my porn without silicon. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap. I think getting a hummer is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per month. I know what the definition of is is. I think Oprah's eyes are way too far apart. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. I’ve never mourned a dead goldfish. I don’t want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package. I believe everyone has a right to pray to their God or gods, while I pray that the test results come back negative. I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are Abraham Lincoln, Orson Wells, Ronald Reagan and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I think creative violence makes movies more interesting and Iraqis more dead.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake, but I still think The Rock could kick my butt. I think global warming is junk science. I’ve never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-f-up already. South Park still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a PlayStation. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches. I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them. I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my backside.

I worry about dying before I get even.

I’ve discovered that DVD is better than Laserdisc. I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stop-light, and I'm pretty sure the Latina midget selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Ensenada. I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but enjoyed it anyway. I think turkey bacon sucks. I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are gonna be a gang-banging hommies or vatos. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent. I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.

I want to know what the hell is going on when Geena Davis has a sitcom.

I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning. I believe you don’t have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room. I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was Field of Dreams. I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Sometimes I throw my soft drink can in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more steps. Making love is fine, but sometimes I wanna get laid. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

Yes, I'm a bad Republican. And I vote... even if it rains.


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Yes, I Guess I am A BAD American.

I like big cars, big boats, big houses, and naturally — big tits.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I don't care about appearing compassionate.

I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a killer.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I think I'm doing better than the homeless.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird or piss me off.

I know what SEX is and there are not varying degrees of it. Hell, just ask my wife.

I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. But if you want to that's fine; just don't feel like everyone else should have to.

I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy queen shake, pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English.

As of matter of fact, if you are an American citizen you should speak English. My father and grandfather shouldn't have to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come disrespect ours.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word freeze or stop in English, See the previous line.

If I received a blow job from one of my subordinate employees in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would have been FIRED immediately.

I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount when needed.

I know what the definition of lying is.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you qualify for any special loan programs, gov't sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can you can open a hotel, c-store, trinket shop, or any damn thing else.

I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny.

I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light.But I respect your right to.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box.

I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, Lite, or fat-free on the package.

I did not go to some foreign country and risk my life in vain and defend our constitution so that decades later you can tell me it's a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation.

I don't hate the rich.

I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake.

I've never owned or was a slave, and a large percentage or our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either.

I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them.

I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the "Rev." Jesse Jackson preaches; and besides what exactly is his job function.

I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue.

I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime then you will serve the time. A rubber band and a paper clip is a dangerous weapon in the hands of someone with malicious intent.

I worry about dying before I get even.

I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it pisses you off, invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

I don't believe in hate crime legislation. Even suggesting it pisses me off. You're telling me that someone who is a minority, gay, disabled, another nationality, or otherwise different from the mainstream of this country has more value as a human being that I do as a white male. Hell, if someone kills anyone, I'd say that it's a hate crime.

I like the convenience of buying oranges from a sidewalk vendor or while I'm waiting at a stop-light, and I'm pretty sure the Latin midget selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator box in East LA or is sleeping in the streets of her home country.

We don't need more laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have.

I think turkey bacon, turkey beef, turkey fake anything sucks.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent with the balls to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say "NO".

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was Ole Yeller.

I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.

I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions.

I thought this country allowed me that right I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

Yes, I guess by their definition, I'm a bad American.
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 19, 2005 04:39PM

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect." George Carlin
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: June 29, 2007 11:46PM

George Carlin's solution to save gasoline:
Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.
The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegalimmigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas.The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: September 06, 2007 12:30AM

[www.geekarmy.com]
fossil_digger Report This Comment
Date: November 24, 2007 01:35AM

George Carlin, comedian of the 70s and 80s whose wife recently passed away, wrote the following eloquent and appropriate piece on our times:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.. We have more degrees but less sense, more
knowledge , but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.AND ALWAYS
REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
George Carlin